Harry Potter and The Tournament of Doom!
by bob-the-blue
Summary: Sequel to Omni Law. Harry Potter must come to Hogwarts to compete in the Tri Wizard Tournament. God help us all.
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

**A Hung-over Call**

Albus Dumbledore woke up sprawled spread eagle on the floor in his office. He looked up and noticed he wasn't alone. Barty Crouch Sr. and Ludo Bagman were standing over him. Albus was hoping he remembered to wear and/or keep on his underwear last night.

"Gentlemen, what can I do for you this morning?" Albus asked.

"It's afternoon Albus. And for starters, you can cover your willy." said Barty. _Damn, guess no underwear. _Thought Albus. "And as soon as you do that, we can get this business of contacting the Potter boy over with." Albus had hoped it had all been a bad dream. But it hadn't. Harry was going to have to come to Hogwarts.

Albus sat up and regretted it instantly. His head felt like it was split open and rats had had an orgy in his skull the night before. _Will this damn room quit spinning already._

It took a couple of minutes, but Albus made it over to his desk and opened a drawer. He pulled out a wooden box.

"What you gentlemen are probably unaware of, is that young Harry placed an enchantment on himself a number of years ago that prevent owls from finding him. However, he gave me a way of getting in contact with him anytime I wish."

"That's great to hear!" exclaimed Ludo Bagman. The first thing the lump said since entering the office. "Let's get in contact with Harry and get him over here right away!" Ludo was very excited about the idea of Harry Potter coming to Hogwarts. He was planning on wagering on Harry with the Goblins. He was in for a surprise on that front.

Albus opened the box as he bent over and emptied his stomach under his desk. In side was a glowing green butt plug. It glowed like the killing curse, and looked just as lethal. "Harry wanted to make sure people only contact him when it was really important. This device allows for instant voice communication with Harry no matter where he is. You just have to keep it…well, I'm sure you can imagine."

"Albus, knowing you, you contact the boy daily." Barty gave Albus a smirk and knowing look. Albus blew a kiss at Barty, with vomit all over his beard.

"Before I contact Harry, I need to know how far the Ministry is going to go to make sure Mr. Potter participates in this tournament?"

"What do you mean? His name came out of the Goblet of Fire. The consequences of going against such an artifact should be reason enough for the boy to come." said Crouch.

"With any other person, I would agree. But in the case of Harry Potter…..he has a history of breaking or modifying the enchantments on objects more powerful then the Goblet of Fire. I believe that if Harry doesn't want to participate, he will just break the enchantment on the Goblet. This will of course destroy the Goblet. No gentlemen, you are going to have to make it worth it to him."

"Give him whatever it takes Albus. We've had enough problems with getting this thing going. Just get the boy here." said Barty Crouch.

Albus took the green butt plug and inserted it.

"Harry? Can you hear me?" Pause. "No, I'm not Satan." Another Pause. "Harry, it's Albus. And I'm almost as hung over as you are. You are behind me in hours, that's all." Albus sat and listened for a couple of seconds. "Harry, I'm sorry to inform you that your name came out of the Goblet of Fire last night." Albus opened a drawer and started to look for something as he listened for a moment. "It means that it wants you to compete in the Tri Wizard Tournament." Pause. "No, the Ministry isn't high. That explanation would be too easy." Albus was quite again as he pulled out a vial from his draw and drank it. "Ok. I can do that. See you then Harry." Albus pulled the butt plug out and handed it to a house elf to go wash it again.

"Well gentlemen, good news." Albus clapped his hands together. "My brother's hangover cure works."

"Good for you!" said Ludo. "What about Harry?"

"He said that he was too hung-over to talk. He will be at the Bird Cage in Miami Florida in fifteen hours. We are to meet with him there, and he will talk to us about competing."

"But he didn't say he would?" asked Crouch.

"He didn't say he wouldn't either. Now, if you will excuse me gentlemen, my body is old and the bathroom is calling me. I believe we all have work to do before we cross the pond."

**A/N: **By popular demand. Thoughts?

This is going to be a multi crossover story centered around a Super!Harry type character. But if you've read any of my stories, I don't go the usual route with super characters.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

**Three Wizards walk into a Drag Club**

It was Friday night, and the streets of Miami were on fire. Not literally. But enough that Albus in his most flamboyant purple robes fit right in when he, Ludo and Barty showed up at the Bird Cage. Ludo had a stupid grin on his face, he was shit face drunk. And Barty looked like he'd rather be somewhere else instead.

As the three men entered the club (no one carded them, as they all appeared to be one of the million senior citizens living in Miami) a waitress called out to Dumbledore "Hey, your usual Al?" Barty and Ludo gave Dumbledore an odd look.

"Uh, yes, and a table for my friends and I Candy." yelled back Albus. The masculine looking waitress in the purple thong pointed them towards an empty booth. The three wizards took their seats.

"Been here before, huh?" asked Barty.

"It's a nice place to visit in the winter time. The weather is warm, and the company good. So piss off Barty." Said Albus.

Candy walked over to the table with Albus' drink. "What can I get you boys to drink?"

"Firewiskey." They both said at the same time.

"What's that?" asked the waitress who was in need of a shave.

"Um, what my friends meant to say is the Black Lable Southern Comfort hard." said Albus. Candy nodded in understanding and took off. "You have to know how to order in the muggle world gentlemen."

"We're in the muggle world?" exclaimed Ludo. "You're shitting me Albus! What are you on, and where can I get some?"

"I assure you gentlemen, we are very much in the muggle world. Have neither of you two ever been to America before?" They both shook their heads negatively. Albus sighed and took a sip of his very fruity looking beverage. "Well, in America, there is no magical government." Both men gasped. "Magicals are policed by those who police the super powered beings that live in this country. For some reason, muggles in the last few decades have begun to show powers that rival and sometimes even out power wizards. Whether this is an evolution of magic, or something else, who knows? Anyway, all of the colonies, I mean the United States is muggle. It's why it doesn't belong to the ICW."

"Which is an interesting point when it comes to Potter, and his status in all of this." said Barty.

"Very true. We shall just have to wait and see what Harry has to say to us when he shows up." said Albus.

At that very second, a voice came over the loud speaker. "Ladies and Gentlemen, gather your attention around the main stage as your are going to be treated by a show from The Magician." Instantly the entire place broke out into loud applause, cheers of excitement and a few loud sayings were yelled. The lights dimmed, and a spotlight hit an empty stage.

Then he was there. In all black, a simple turtle neck with slacks. He raven hair hung down his pale white face. His skin seemed to almost sparkle in the light. There was silence in the room. Everybody was waiting for this man to move, to act, to do something.

"Good evening ladies and gentlemen. And whatever the hell Julio is. I am The Magician. And it will be my pleasure to entertain you this evening. But first, I am going to need a volunteer." The Magician looked out over the crowd. "Well, Holy shit in a flaming paper bag, do my eyes decieve me? Is that, all the way from Scottland, Albus More Middle Names then Notches in the Bedpost Dumbledore? Ladies and Gentlemen, we should feel honored." The Magician snapped his fingers and a spotlight shown down on Albus. "We have here the re incarnation of Merlin. I know, you may be thinking Santa if he went on Attkins, but no, he's Merlin. Major magic badass. Hey Al, wanna come up here and help me give these fine people a show?"

"I'd be delighted to Harry. I honestly didn't think I would ever see you in this club. Do you have something to tell me Mr. Potter?" Albus got up and walked towards the stage.

"If it's an after school special where little Harry opens up to grandpa Al about being different you're after, then you're in for a disappointment. I happen to be the only breeder who's ever performer here. I'm just that damn good." Harry waved his hand in a large arc around the stage, and a large, kinky looking torture device appeared. It was a giant X. Harry winked at Albus and pushed him towards the device. He strapped him so his arms and legs where spread out, and strapped to bars. A ballgag appeared in Albus' mouth. Ludo fell out of his seat laughing his ass off. Barty wasn't far behind. They had each finished three shots.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, do not try performing this at home. It won't work. Believe me. Ol' Stumpy down at the park can attest to that." _This doesn't sound good _thought Albus.

All of the sudden, dark techno music started played and the giant X started to raise off of the ground. Ten feet up it stopped.

Albus felt a funny sensation in his hips and shoulders. He was barely able to look down and notice that his legs were no longer attached to his body. His body parts seemed to be moving away from each other as the X made itself bigger. The crowd was going cracy. The poles broke off, and each limb was separated on it's own piece of metal. The individual pieces started to spin in place. Harry motioned, and the limbs went flying out over and around the crowd before coming back and circling around Albus' head.

_What a peculiar sight. _thought Albus to himself.

"Now that I have two arms and two legs, I can go buy something so expenseive, I have to pay an arm and a leg." No one laughed at the joke. "Ah, come on guys, I'm funny!" Exclaimed Harry.

A man with a mustache and a very pink shirt yelled out "No you're not, but we love you anyway." Everyone cheered at that. Harry gave a pouting look and flung a hand towards Dumbledore. His limps flew back to their original places, and Albus dropped to the ground out of his robes, naked as the day his was born. The tattoo on his left cheek of a phoenix got some whistles. It was Miami after all.

"Have a seat Al. I think I can handle the rest of the show on my own." said Harry. Instantly Albus found himself sitting back at his seat, in clothes, and with a full fruity drink. Harry still stood on stage. "And now for my next trick, I shall pull a rabbit out of my ass." And he did.

An hour later found Harry sitting at the table with three very drunk wizards. "So Al, what's up?" asked Harry.

"Quite a bit Mr. Potter." Said Dumbledore. "But first, I'd like to know why we are at this particular institution?"

"Actually, I want to know why Mr. Potter looks like he's an adult." said Ludo Bagman. Everyone just looked at him. "What? I was under the impression he was 14." Ludo was hoping Harry would be an underdog going into this competition. He'd be able to get better odds on him.

"I spend time in other dimensions where time flows differently. I'm biologically 17." said Harry. "And as to this place, I performed here about a year ago due to a lost bet, damn Loki. I got to talking to the owner about wizards and he mentioned you Al. You really need to learn to keep your mouth shut when you're drunk if you intend on keeping a secret. Personally, I think it's stupid to hide like that. It's almost like you're ashamed of yourself Al."

"You know that's not what it's about. And you know as well as I do that muggles in this country aren't as ignorant. They just don't care."

"True. Anyway, I kept this place in mind if I ever needed to meet up with you. After you called, I got ahold of Amand and booked this place for tonight. He loves me. Him and Albert both. Albert hates you Albus. You shouldn't have compared him to your brother and his love of goats." Albus looked a little ashamed. He really couldn't hold his booze like he could a century ago. "Alright gentlemen, let's get down to business."

"Quite right." said Barty. He was all business, even when drunk as a skunk. "As representatives from the British Ministry of Magic we have come to inform you Mr. Potter that your name has been chosen by the Goblet of Fire for the Tri Wizard Tournement."

"I am aware. I did a little bit of research after Al called me. By the way, how you feeling from that Al?"

"Ok, why?"

"Um, never mind. Getting back on topic, as I'm sure Al has informed you it is within my abilities to decline your invitation."

"Yes, he has. But we were hoping to avoid and trouble, and get you to participate. We can provide you…." Barty was interrupted by Harry.

"I already know what I want in order to participate. And my provisions are mostly to keep the competition fair."

"How so?" asked Dumbldeore. Harry sighed.

"The tournament is the Tri Wizard Tournament, so I assume then that all the headmasters of the schools had a hand in deciding the tasks?" the three older men nodded their heads. "Which makes perfect sense, as they have the best scope of what their students are capable of. You don't know what I'm capable of. I ask for two things, one from the Ministry and one from Al for my participation. From the Ministry, I want my own 'Headmaster' on the panel of judges and for the tasks to be re evaluated."

"That seems fair actually." Said Barty.

"And what do you want from me Harry?" asked Albus.

"I want _it _Al. At some point in the near future, I want to take it from you. At your discretion of course."

"But why Harry? I know you well enough to know it would do you no good. You're beyond that."

"I know. But I'm honestly curious about what happens when you unite all three." Albus' eyes widened.

"You have the other two?" he whispered.

"Yeah, and if you hadn't been such a wanker, you would have been able to get your hands on all three. But you suck, and I don't."

"Fine Harry. At some point in the near future, I shall arrange for us to have a duel."

"Thanks Al."

"Mr. Potter, who do you have in mind to act as your headmaster? I assume someone you have studied under? Someone the British Ministry officially recognizes?" said Barty. He wanted to make sure everything would fly back home. He knew that no American would be accepted on the panel, hence the recognition.

"Yes, yes, yes. One of my teacher would be more then happy to serve as my 'headmaster'. It would give his genius something to occupy it's time. And he's officially recognized by your Ministry."

"Who?"

"Victor Von Doom, Lord of Latveria"

**A/N: **I thought the first chapter was a little short, so I wanted to do something longer.

Someone pointed out that they had never seen Albus written the way I am. I'm just trying to keep him in character, the wise old headmaster with a shady past, while at the same give him more realistic personality. Also, Albus is the only one who really knows what is going on.

Thoughts?


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

**Doom is NOT Amused**

Latveria. A small country in Eastern Europe ruled by an iron fist.

Literally.

The armored figure of Victor Von Doom was very intimidating. Given his intelligence, power, knowledge, power, influence, and power, not many trifled with Doom.

Except that pig fucker Richards and his flock of morons. Except for Susan.

The things Doom had done to that ass…..

Anyway, getting back to current events. It was a very scared looking group of Wizards who sat at the big table with Doom. It takes some very large balls to sit at the big table with Doom. Which of course is why Albus looked at piece sitting across from the Latverian Dictator. Barty Crouch looked like he was sucking on something sour. It was sad that the three wizards who were looking intimidating and bitch like where the Ministers from Britain, France and Bulgaria.

"Doom is not amused." Cornelius Fudge wet himself at the words. Albus just gave Victor Von Doom a look that said 'why not?' "You ask Doom to evaluate these so called Tasks to see if they would be challenging for my student, and I find them lacking."

"Really?" asked Albus. "I believe that these are very challenging tasks for a teenage witch or wizard."

"You would Dumbledore, as your school aims for low mediocrity at best. But for young Mr. Potter, Doom knows these tasks would be too easy."

"And why would that be?" asked the oldest man in the room.

"Your first task is to pit the champions against Dragons?" The Ministers nodded their heads. "Harry Potter speaks Draconic and bears the mark of a High Dragon."

"How iz zat possible?" asked the French Minister. He may be intimidated, but he was still French.

"Fin Fang Foom decided to challenge the Knight Stark to battle. But when he showed up, the knight was too drunk to leave his castle. Harry decided to buy the knight time long enough to sober up. However, Harry doesn't fight unless he has to. So he convinced the Mighty Dragon that there was no honor in killing a drunken knight. He offered to play a game of chess with the Dragon while the knight sobered up, as to show he wasn't trying to trick the Dragon into leaving. They played for several hours while the idiot Stark slept till he was sober. But when he finally awoke, he donned his armor and drove the dragon off. Those simple minded fools thought Harry a hero for staying the Dragon's hand, and allowing for the knight to have victory in the end. But the truth, known to both Harry and the Dragon was that Harry was hoping the knight would be humiliated, and was keeping the Dragon there long enough to do it. Fin Fang Foom and Harry became good friends that day, and Foom marked Mr. Potter. No other Dragon will harm the boy. That is why Doom says your idea is too simple."

Everyone sat in silence while they took in the story they were just told. It spoke volumes about the caliber of Harry's character, as well as his ability. Neither seemed to bode well for the Wizarding World.

"As for the second task…."

"Yes?" the rest of the wizards said at the Dictator's lack of explanation.

"Namor, Prince of Atlantis, is one of Harry's biggest fans. Not only for Harry's stage shows, but also because Harry is the person responsible for the 'home movie' of Susan and Reed Richards to be released. From what Doom knows, Namor pleasures himself to this movie nightly. Or has servants pleasure him while he watches, Doom is unsure."

"Doesn't sound like your kind of picture, huh Albus?" asked Barty.

"Shut it you. What about the third task, does Harry have some kind of special maze power?"

"Actually, Doom thought your idea for the third task had potential, but just needs to be modified. Doom knows a Labyrinth builder who would love the challenge. And as for the first two tasks, Doom has some ideas."

To half the people in the room, Doom's evil laughter felt like someone was skull fucking their very souls.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

**Return of the Baxter Building**

Everyone was gathered on the front lawn at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. All three schools in the Tri Wizard Tournament wanted to see the fourth champion arrive. Some had different reasons for wanting to see the Boy Who Lived return to Hogwarts. There had been much confusion when he hadn't shown up a few years prior to start his first year. A few students, namely a ginger and an albino felt like they had personally been insulted by Harry not showing up. They both felt that they were going to be best friends with the famous boy. They both wanted to use him for their own ends, but Harry Potter didn't come to Hogwarts.

"I wonder what he'll arrive in?" giggled Lavender Brown, standing with her friends a few feet away from Ron Weasley.

The Ginger was a bit annoyed at the whole situation. He didn't want to think about stupid Harry Potter. Stupid Harry Potter who should have been his best mate. He had been planning all summer before first year to make friends with the famous boy. _Potter must think he's so bloody special. 'I don't need Hogwarts. I'm too good for that. I'm Harry Potter. I love the cock!' _Ron thought to himself as he stood there waiting. He smiled at his own joke. Everyone else just thought Ron was smiling because he was excited.

Standing not too far from Ron was Hermione Granger and her boyfriend Neville Longbottom. Early on at school, these two had become good friends because they were the outcasts. Nobody wanted to be friends with either one, because Hermione was a bookworm with an overbearing personality, and Neville was a shy boy lacking all confidence. Any guesses to the dynamic of their relationship? That's right, Hermione wore the pants, and Neville let her. In his fourth year, being the only guy with a girlfriend made him feel kind of cool. And Neville liked that.

An even stranger couple wasn't too far away either. The couple of Ginny Weasley and Luna Lovegood was like a scandal at Hogwarts. Not because homosexuality was looked down upon or anything, everyone just thought it was a shame that two purebloods would deny the opportunity to continue their bloodline. Also, the fact that the two girls were munching rug at the age of thirteen felt a little off to some. But everybody knows why they got together. Ginny felt that with no Harry Potter, no other man would ever live up to the idea she had in her head, so she decided to only be with women. Luna was her friend, and was a little weird. She just wanted to feel loved, and Ginny sure did that. Almost every night.

All of a sudden a flaming ball appeared in the sky. It looked like it was getting bigger. Nobody moved to get out of the way, or flee.

Wizards are stupid like that.

A giant white building crashed into the grounds of Hogwarts. A few of the older Muggleborns recognized the building as the Baxter Building from New York. It had been last seen launching into orbit. Now here it was at Hogwarts.

The doors to the building (which was still in tact, thanks to Magic) opened, and out marched a squadron of Doom Bot Honor Guard. They formed two lines and saluted as Victor Von Doom and Harry Potter walked out of the building. Doom looked his usual menacing self. A few first years near him fainted.

Harry Potter was dressed in the finest black silk robes. He wore a top hat and carried a cane. He looked a cross between a stage magician and a Hogwarts student if they spent a shit load of cash on their wardrobe. The girls in the crowd started to drool a little bit. Here was a famous, rich, powerful, handsome wizard. The game to see who could snag him was on for the girls.

Victor Von Doom marched up to Albus Dumbledore. "Doom assumes the preperations have been made for the first task Dumbledore?" Albus nodded.

"Welcome to Hogwarts Harry, it's good to see you again." Albus held out his hand and Harry shook it. It was good for them to look on friendly terms in front of everybody. Good thing they really were on friendly terms.

"Thank you Headmaster Dumbledore, I'm excited to be here."

"We have prepared a feast in your welcome. Not as grand as our Halloween feast, but grand non the less."

"Lead the way."

As everyone started to make their way inside, Harry stopped suddenly and pulled out a remote control

"Oops, forgot to do something." He pressed the button and the Baxter Building blew up.

Again.

Twenty minutes later found all of the student in the Great Hall. Doctor Doom was seated at the Head Table, and Harry was nowhere to be seen. The Doombots stood around the parameter of the hall.

Albus got up to address everybody. "Ladies and Gentlemen, Mr. Potter has asked me if he could make a demonstration just as our other visiting schools did upon their arrival." As Dumbledore said this, Harry silently appeared behind him. All the students saw this, but Albus did not. Harry waived his hand and Albus' clothing turned into that of a red dress, and his hair turned red. "What Mr. Potter intends on doing, I haven't a clue. I just hope it is entertaining." Albus cleared his throat and started to sing "The sun will come out tomorrow….."

For the next couple of minutes, the entire Hall had sat shocked and all thought 'wtf?' Nobody noticed Harry take a seat at the Gryffindor table next to a lonely looking first year. As the headmaster finished his song., applause started out of nowhere. Nobody knew where it started, but soon all the students were clapping.

"Um….tuck in?" The food appeared.

Dennis Creevy was reaching for the potatoes when he noticed who was sitting next to him. His eyes widened. He seemed to be the only one who noticed Harry Potter sitting at the table. The other students went on as if it were any other meal.

"Harry Potter." said the older boy next to him. "And you are?"

It took a second for Dennis' brain to reboot. "Dennis Creevy."

"Sit by yourself often Dennis Creevy?" asked Harry.

"Yeah. I was the only boy sorted into my year. So I don't have a lot of friends. My older brother doesn't seem to want to have anything to do with me. I'm muggleborn, so that means most of the other houses don't want anything to do with me either."

"Sucks to be you, huh?" asked Harry.

"Hey!" exclaimed Dennis. "It doesn't suck to be me. I'm learning magic, how cool is that?"

"Good answer. Have another question for you. I'm looking for an assistant/side kick. Interested in the job?"

"Why me?" asked Dennis.

"I can tell you have what it takes. So, you in?"

"Bloody hell yes!" exclaimed Dennis. Dennis wanted to someone to hang out with and not be lonely. And Harry Potter seemed to be really cool.

"So Dennis, tell me about this place?" Over the next half hour Dennis told Harry all about his first two months at Hogwarts. Over that time, other students started to notice Harry was there. They were too excited and intimidated to say anything to Harry as he talked with Dennis.

That was until a certain Ginger decided he needed to make his presence known.

"What are you doing sitting at the Gryffindor table Potter? Only those who are brave can sit here. Not someone who's too scared to come to Hogwarts!" yelled Ron, standing up near where Harry was sitting.

"Excuse me, I'm having dinner with my friend Dennis here. Did I interrupt while your mouth did an imitation of a black hole twenty five feet down the table? No. Now go away Ginger person." Harry made a dismissal motion with his hand.

"I'm Ron Weasley." the angry Ginger said. "You would have known that if you had shown up on the train three years ago. But no, you're Harry Potter…." Harry cut him off.

"Yes, that is my name. What of it? I don't know you, and I don't owe you anything."

"You were supposed to be my best mate!" Yelled Ron.

"O…..K. Someone please get the orderlies. One of the inmates is indeed of his medication." A few of the students around Harry started laughing. Ron didn't take to well to being laughed at. He ripped his wand out and hurled a curse at Harry's head. Sadly for the Ginger, Harry moved his head and the curse hit his head of house.

It was a really bad day to hit Minerva, she was having a heavy flow day and was looking for any excuse to blow up at somebody. Having the Weasley boy throw a curse and hit her with it set her off like a volcano.

Ron being levitated out of the Great Hall meant the party was over. The students were getting up to leave when Harry yelled out towards the head table.

"Hey Al, I'm gonna bunk with my boy Dennis here. He says there's plenty of extra room in his doom." Albus' eyes twinkled at the thought of Harry living with the Gryffindors.

"That would work Mr. Potter." said Albus.

"Thanks Headmaster. Did you get the present I sent you?" Albus shook his head in the negative. "Huh, well, it should be in your quarters by now. Enjoy."

Later that night, Albus discovered a trunk sitting in his room. He opened it to find a very aggressive trunk dweller. Muggles call them bondage midgets.

Either way, Albus couldn't sit right the next day.

**A/N:** Ok, so I'm trying to come up with who I should pair Harry up with for this story. I'd like to get some ideas from you guys. Here's the criteria for the character:

Female (even though there are many tones of homosexuality in this story, Harry will be straight, or maybe bi curious. Who knows.)

Can't be from Harry Potter universe (open to almost any crossover)

Has to be someone magically powerful

16-18 years old (story chronology doesn't matter, cause in comics, it never matters)

Can't be Selena Gomez from Wizards of Waverly place


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

**Romp in the Forest**

Harry followed Dennis back to the Gryffindor common room. And a gaggle of girls followed Harry. He was prime man steak in their eyes.

As soon as Harry and Dennis entered the common room, Ron Weasley moved to throw another bitch fit. But before he could do anything, the twins stepped in and charmed his mouth shut.

"Why didn't you do that years ago?" asked Dean Thomas. "And can you teach us how to do it?"

"Sure, but you gotta be careful." said George "If you mess it up, you can fuse you arse cheeks together." finished Fred.

"Um…"

The crowd of students weren't interested in letting Harry and Dennis through. They were more interested in talking to the newest resident of their tower.

"Hiya Harry!"

"Marry me Potter!"

"I'll suck your cock for a cheeseburger, man!"

"I'm double jointed in my hips!"

Harry ignored them all. "Which way assistant?" Harry asked Dennis. Dennis pointed towards a staircase leading them up. Harry raised both of his hands, palms together, straight in front of him. He separated his hands in an outward motion, parting the sea of stunned students. He cleared a straight path to the stair case.

The two of them walked up the stairs and came to the door to the first year boy's dorm. Harry pulled out a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a half circle in front of the door.

Harry quickly hurried back down and stuck his head in the common room. "Oy! I just put up a ward around my room. It will prevent anyone from entering unless they are naked have every intention of sexually pleasuring either myself or my sidekick."

One of the twins yelled back, "Yeah, what happens if we cross your line, we grow long white beards?"

Harry looked slightly puzzled. "What? No, that's gay. Whoever came up with that idea has to love their cockmeat sandwiches, hold the carbs. If you aren't naked and willingthe line will change that. Night." Harry dashed back up as loud murmuring started in the common room.

After Harry entered the dorm with Dennis and closed the door, Dennis asked Harry "Did you really set up a ward like that? Cause aren't I a little young?"

"Nonsense, you're never too young to have your balls fondled. Doesn't matter if they've dropped, it still feels good. And as for the ward, no."

"What?"

"I'm powerful, and they're stupid. I don't have a lot of experience with wand users, but I have a lot of friends who do." Harry grinned evily to himself. He knew for a fact that one of Loki's favorite pass times was mind fucking the wizarding world. It was because of the Norse God of mischief that a former Minister for Magic was found naked in bed with a couple of farm animals. The scandal it caused was hysterical.

"There seems to be something waiting here for you Harry." Dennis said, pointing to a large box sitting on one of the extra beds.

"How do you know it's not for you?" asked Harry.

"Because the card says it's for you." replied Dennis.

"Smart ass."

"Who's Hunter S. Thompson?" asked Dennis.

"He's one of the greatest wizards living in the western hemisphere. Why do you ask?"

"That's who the package is from."

"Sweet!" Harry exclaimed. He rushed over to the box and opened it to find it bigger on the inside then outside. Inside were many many different bags and bottles.

"Hey Dennis, want to go on an adventure?"

It was three days before anyone saw Harry or Dennis. Nobody had tried to enter their room, but knew from the twins that neither Harry or Dennis were in the dorm room. Some member of the staff seemed to be a little worried that one of their students had gone missing as well as a guest. Albus wasn't concerned. He had every confidence in Harry's ability to take care of himself as well as Mr. Creevy. Albus had his mind more focused on other matters. Such as his very sore

Snape had seemed like someone had cum in his mashed potatos. He was not a happy camper. He hadn't had a chance to deflate Potter's ego yet. He knew the boy was going to be a big headed prat. With the special attention he has gathered, on top of the whole Boy-Who-Lived, Potter needed to be knocked down a peg or ten. But the brat had disappeared his first night there.

It was Hagrid who found the two boys. One morning while on a walk along the edge of the forest, he found the two boys passed out in the mud.

What a sight they were. Harry was wearing a rainbow colored crotch less tutu, red plastic devil horns on his head and a sweater with a picture of Harry getting head from the Grim Reaper. Dennis was dressed like a super hero. His costume had way too many sparkles in Hagrid's opinion, but then the half giant really didn't know what the kids thought was cool anymore. Hagrid was also confused as to why a boy of 11 would need such a large cod piece.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

**An Upset Blonde**

Harry and Dennis snuck out of the Hospital Wing the second the old woman's head was turned. They didn't want to have to explain themselves to her. Well, it was more like Harry didn't want to put up with the nagging that was gonna happen as soon as she found out even a fraction of what they had gotten up to on their adventure.

The Magician and his apprentice made it to the Great Hall in time for lunch. Harry sat there and ignored everybody as he ate his lunch. Dennis sat next to him, throwing up into a bag of holding.

"How can you eat?" Dennis asked Harry.

"Experience. And I know that I need energy right now. It's about controlling your body so you can do what you need it to do. Don't worry, I'll teach you how." Dennis nodded and then went back to throwing up into his bag of holding. Harry secretly was hoping Dennis didn't have the bag of holding with the gerbils in it. Albus's present would be ruined.

Speaking of Albus, he made his way over to the two boys.

"Harry, we had a visitor at the castle looking for you the other day, while you were indisposed."

Harry raised an eyebrow. "Oh yeah?"

"A lovely young lady by the name of Gali." Harry's eyes went wide with complete horror. "I told her we didn't know where you were, but expected you back. She got herself a room in Hogsmeade while she waited."

"You haven't told her I'm back, have you?" Harry asked in a panic.

"I sent her an owl shortly after we found you." Harry swore. Loudly.

The doors to the Great Hall flew open, and a blonde woman in purple stormed in.

"HARRY JAMES POTTER!" She yelled.

"Escape plan D." Harry whispered to Dennis. Dennis nodded as Harry got up to face the woman. "Hey Gali."

"Don't you 'hey Gali' me. You ran off right after I told you I was pregnant. What is wrong with you?" If everyone's attention wasn't already on the conversation, it was now. News that the Boy Who Lived knocked someone up was huge. The only person who wasn't paying attention was Dennis, who was writing on a piece of red paper. He was writing the date and current time.

"I had to go. My name came out of this magic goblet, and now I have to compete in a year long tournament that consists of three or maybe now four tasks." Harry exclaimed. Dennis finished writing and lit the piece of paper on fire.

"That is the stupidest fucking thing you have ever said as an excuse. And considering that time with those skrulls, that's really saying something."

"I swear it's the truth. Just ask Albus." Gali turned and glared at the old cock sucker. Albus just nodded his head.

"Fine. But then why didn't you tell me? Leave a note?"

"Um…you see Gali…."Harry was interrupted by the loud noise of a flying Delorian appearing in the Great Hall. It hovered ten feet above the student's heads. The door opened and a man in a red and black outfit jumped out.

"Harry!" yelled Deadpool.

"Wade!" Harry yelled back.

"You have to come with me right now!"

"Where?"

"Back to the future!"

"Why? Is there something wrong with my kids I need to fix?"

"No, it's not your kids. It's you. You turn out to be a real asshole."

"We have to fix this!" Harry grabbed Dennis and leaped into the Delorian. "Gali, I'll be right back." The car flew out of the window the owls normally come in.

Gali looked pissed. "Wait till my father hears about this." She had no clue why so many students started laughing when she said this.

Victor Von Doom sat at the head table. "Doom finds it hilarious that Doom's student knocked up the daughter of the only being he fears."

_Only being he fears? _Thought Snape. _Well, wait till he gets a load of me._

**A/N: **It took me awhile to decide on Harry's pairing. I'm pretty sure I'm the first writer to use Gali as Harry's girlfriend. For those who don't' know who Gali's dad is…. Well, he's big, purple and has a very very large appetite. No, not Barney.

And before anyone asks, Yes, they're really traveling in time.


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: It has been too long since I have updated anything. In fact, I have not posted anything since before I got married. Crazy. Anyway, I had half of this saved somewhere in a lost email. Hopefully I will be posting more in the future.**

**Harry and Dennis' Excellent Adventure**

As soon as the flying car disappeared, recognition struck in the eyes of Dumbledore, Hagrid, Flitwick and Sinestra. "Time cop my ass!" They all yelled at the same time. The four of them eyed each other and nodded towards the door. They started to moved towards it when Gali yelled out.

"Hey! You four know something, don't you?"

"Yes. You should join us in a more private setting Ms. Gali. You too Mr. Creevy." Albus said to the two blondes.

The six of them left and whispering broke out amongst the rest of the student population. Nobody had any clue what the fuck was going on.

Nobody except Hermione Granger. She realized something the same time the four adults did. She just didn't show any sign of reaction. She knew what the teachers were going to be discussing. They were going to be discussing how Harry and Dennis were traveling through time. How they had met up with all of them at some point in the past and left them with a memory charm.

They had done it to Hermione.

She had met them the summer before she came to Hogwarts. She had met Him. Her first crush. The first boy who ever showed any kind of interest in her. Sure, it was a summer romance, but it was magical to an eleven year old Hermione Granger (who had just learned magic was real). When she found out he was magical too, she felt like it had been written in the stars. She told him that she was looking forward to seeing him at Hogwarts. This was what ended things. He told her that she wouldn't be seeing him there. At least, not for three more years at least.

Hermione didn't know when she forgot about him. It felt like she just lost track of him in the excitement of going to Hogwarts. But now she remembered. And she also remembered how she treated him before he left. She was kind of a bitch. She talked down to him, like he was stupid and didn't know anything. She was used to doing that with Neville, who just took it. Things would be interesting when the time travelers returned. Who knew what kinds of trouble they would be in.

"Oh Dennis." Hermione whispered to herself.

XXXXXXXX

"So, who wants to start?" Albus asked the assembled group. Everyone was sitting in the fruitiest lounge north of France, Al's special room. Nobody spoke up. The youngest two looked a little confused. Albus sighed. "Mr. Potter and the young Mr. Creevy are currently on a cross time training trip. They memory charmed anyone who might have known them in the present not to remember until they had left. They told me this would happen right before they hit me with it, each time."

"How many times did they meet up with you Headmaster?" asked Professor Sinestra. "I'm trying to recall all the one night stands with Harry. There were a few."

"About a dozen. Harry had a tendency to draft me into his 'fight against evil through time and space, and make me forget about it after each 'adventure'. Filius? Hagrid?"

"Just once headmaster. Mr. Potter took me out drinking after defeating me in a duel. I thought I had blacked out that night, but I now recall much more exciting events. Turns out we had to fight a small zombie outbreak. He told me about what he and his apprentice were up to. I woke up hungover dressed as a court jester in a muggle police station none the wiser."

"When was that?" Albus asked "And how old would you say Mr. Creevy was at the time?"

"What?" asked Colin.

Albus explained. "Their trip lasts a couple of years. The oldest I recall seeing Dennis was about thirteen or so."

"He was twelve when I saw them. And this was in 1969" Flitwick said.

"He was 'bout dat too when I saw 'em in 1946" said Hagrid.

"I never saw much of Harry's apprentice." said a star eyed Sinestra. "He wasn't old enough for our activities." She smiled to herself.  
Albus looked at Gali. "Not upset?"

"At what? Harry and I's relationship is only monogamous in a cosmic sense. He can stick his dick in as many of you apes as he wants. I don't care. Besides, I'm not sure how much longer he'll have it. Must be why he was trying to get use out of it on this little trip of his."

"He got me laid." said Hagrid. The room got really quiet. "That's the one time I met 'em. 'arry took me to this giant brothel and paid for me to loose my cherry." Everyone looked uncomfortable at that knowledge.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

It was the next morning when the doors to the Great Hall burst open and in strode Harry Potter and his apprentice Dennis. They both looked to be a bit older then when they left the day before.

"We're back bitches!" Yelled Harry, who smirked to himself. Dennis just signed at his mentor. "Anyone miss us?"

The hall was silent. Everyone looked either confused or uninterested. The silence lasted a moment before students started talking amongst themselves again. Harry and Dennis made their way over to the Gryffindor table and sat themselves down.

Harry had half of his plate fixed up when he was yanked out of his seat by his ear. A very upset Gali had appeared out of nowhere.

"Harry James Potter, where have you been?" she asked in a dangerously calm tone.

"Training my apprentice. I had to get him up to snuff in a short amount of time. Sorry about that my dear. How comes the pregnancy?" Harry threw the girl a sexy look, which she melted at. All was forgiven in her mind.

Such are Cosmic beings.

"Potter!" yelled/snarled the castle's Potions master. Harry took one look at Snape and raised an eyebrow.

"Dennis, you know the teachers here best. Take care of this. I have to make up for lost time with my lady here." Gali giggled at this.

"You're not going anywhere Potter." said Snape as he raised his wand. As Harry turned and left with his already de-robing girlfriend, Dennis held out his hand and summoned Snape's wand into it. Everyone nearby gasped. "Give. Me. My. Wand. Boy!"

"You just attempted to curse in the back my Master. A person whom you may or may not owe a life debt. But as he asked me to handle this, I will. Severus Tobias Snape, I challenge you to a duel over my Master's honor. You may decide the terms, sir." Sir being said with as much drawn out sarcasm as a thirteen could handle.

Draco was impressed.

"Give me back my wand and I will show you no mercy Creevy." Dennis shrugged and tossed the greasy man back his wand. As soon as Snape had wand in hand he fired off a silent and very dark curse at the boy. He smirked as the teen made no move to dodge the curse.

Dennis reached out as if to grab the curse, which he did as he pivoted and spun to throw it back at stunned looking Snape. So stunned was he that he didn't block or dodge his own curse.

Which was a testicle exploding hex.

But, as he would tell the Aurors, Dennis had no way of knowing what kind of spell was actually shot at him. He just redirected back what was sent at him by a Professor. There was a lot of confusion over this case, and in the end nobody remembered to really fix the problem.

As the bloody greasy git was carted off, Dennis was hounded by his housemates with questions. Where he'd been? What kind of adventures had he been on? Did he really travel through time?

"Yes, I really traveled through time. We traveled through time like people travel countries. We went all over the place. I have learned a lot about magic. What it is, what it was, what it will be." Somebody had to ask the stereotypical question of did they travel back and meet the school founders. "No, but I did meet Rowena Ravenclaw in the future." This confused a number of people. "She was also traveling through time trying to answer a question which was essentially 'what happens when clarke's law applies?'" Many were confused, but there were some who understood what he was saying.

"What are you babbling about Mudblood?" asked Draco as he sauntered over like he was on set for a gay porn.

"Basically, I saw the future where the purebloods win."Draco lit up at this.

"Really now? Do tell!" He seemed very happy with this.

"Well, at some point in the future, there will come a time when no more muggle borns enter the Wizarding World. And because of this, there are no more half bloods. Only purebloods."

"We finally got them to realize that they don't belong in our society?" Draco was all smiles.

"Not exactly. You see, eventually muggle technology will get to the point where they can use it to do just about everything we can do with magic. and in some areas, they will even be able to do things Wizards never dreamed of. When it gets to this point, children raised in the muggle world don't see the point of taking the time to learn magic when they can learn science and do more with it in the real world." Draco now looked a little confused.

"But we still win, you said?" Dennis shrugged and nodded.

"You get what you want, if that's what you mean. But you know how the old saying goes."

"What old saying?" Draco really was sheltered. He was raised very much like the Water Boy, except replace Momma with Father.

"The one about me and your mom when she was a teenager. Want to see the pictures?" Everybody laughed and the blonde huffed off like the bitch that he is. "I was serious, does anyone want to see pictures of me putting it in Malfoy's Mum's arse when she was young and less of a bitch?"

Dennis led a parade to the boy's bathroom. Neville only got to go because Hermione tagged along and let him.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Harry and Gali lay naked and sweaty on top of Albus' desk. Everything in the room was trashed. Even the trinkets Dumbledore _knew _were indestructible. The old man himself stood in the door way, mouth gaping open.

"Hey Al, how long you been there?" asked Harry.

"Long enough to ponder if heterosexual sex is like that, maybe I made a hasty decision..."

"Nah, sexual orientation has nothing to do with getting the naughty on like that. It has more to do with having ungodly amounts of power. And flexibility, that helps too."

"So does having a penis that large I can imagine." said Albus.

"Thanks for noticing." replied Harry. "Sorry about your office, I'll get it fixed up better then new in the morning." Harry pulled Gali up on all fours. positioned himself behind her and got back to it. "By the way, you may want to rethink whatever it is you have planned for the tasks. I'm not saying I know, but Dennis was really inspired by Back to the Future two when I showed it to him." Albus had no clue what Harry was talking about, but he would bring it up with Doom next chance he got.

Albus turned to leave, and noticed that his phoenix was hiding in the corner. If Albus didn't know any better, he would say that Fawkes was a voyeur.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8,

Severus Snape was not a happy man. Oh no, not happy at all. Sitting in an infirmary bed having one's testicles' regrown is not a very happy experience. If on a scale of one to ten, and skele-grow rating a 5, this rated a 9 on the pain scale. Severus once witnessed the Dark Lord perform a number 10 on a small muggle village once. Weaker minded Death Eaters lost their minds watching such horror.

Severus got an erection watching.

He's a sick fuck like that.

In fact, the curse he had reflected back at him was a modification of a special hex Severus had used on himself many times in the past. Or paid hookers to cast it on him, depending if he could get away from the castle. Oh, and there was that one Christmas he and Albus had got drunk. The older wizard learned way to much about his young friend and had his brother Abe remove the memory of that evening from his head. Albus had no idea what it cost him in services, as he had no memories of that either.

And just when things couldn't seem to get worse for Severus, in walked in godson.

Draco Malfoy thought he owned Hogwarts. Never mind that he was a fourth year. Never mind that he could only cast five spells that were not cosmetic in nature. Never mind that every girl in Slytherin knew he couldn't get it up with a female, from personal experience. Never mind that he had never caught the Snitch in his two years of playing Quidditch. Never mind that every boy in Slytherin knew he couldn't get it up with a male, from personal experience.

He was Draco Malfoy, and no one challenged him. He put mudbloods and blood traitors in their place. He was the hero of his fellow pure bloods. Women and men alike wanted to bed him. His influence was great. It was helped by having the backing of his godfather and head of house.

Who was now laid up with his testicles being re-grown.

All was not right in the world.

"Dear godfather, what has befallen you? What cad dare think he can curse such a great man as yourself? I shall go forth and avenge your honor in a most grand manner!" Draco struck a pose he thought made him look bad ass. It just made Severus sigh.

Which cause his balls to shake.

And that hurt a lot.

Severus contemplated sending his tool of a godson after Potter, but realized how upset Lucius would be if he had to sire another heir. What was it with Malfoys and where they liked to stick their penises? As fucked up as Severus was, even he didn't couldn't understand the men of that family.

"Calm yourself Draco. I underestimated a first year, and had my own curse sent back at me. Take that as a lesson." Severus hoped that Dennis being as young as he was, he would take pity on his godson. It was the only thing Severus could think of in his current state of mind.

Oh why had he slacked off on brewing those pain potions for the nurse?

"I shall forever remember your words of wisdom, sir. I recall the first year you talk of, and I will not underestimate this first year as I show him the superiority of pure bloods. Heal quickly god father, for the snakes miss you."

Severus doubted that. He was pretty sure there were many parties and orgies in his absence.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Ginny came so hard as Luna ate her out. This giant orgasm was inspired by the fact that the young red head had finally seen Harry Potter with her own eyes. He was so hot, and radiated sex and power. She screamed out as she had multiples for the first time in her life.

Her roommates did not appreciate the noises coming from her bed. Ginny had quit caring about what they thought of her in her first year. Luna didn't care either, as she was just happy to get so much love and attention from her red headed friend.  
As Ginny couldn't move, Luna moved up and wrapped herself around her girlfriend. The two cuddled up naked, Luna pulled the blanket over them.

"You want to fuck Harry Potter, don't you Ginevra?" asked Luna. Luna was very perceptive.

"I think every girl in this school wants to fuck Harry Potter Luna. But yes, i won't lie to you, he turns me on."

"I'm willing to share you, as long as you don't leave me." Ginny squeezed her girlfriend close.

"Don't worry, we'll always be together Luna. But you have to admit, he's hot."

"Yes, he is hot. We could use Mr. Man to sandwich one or both of us." Mr. Man was the strap on the girls used on each other. The merchant swore up and down that it was molded after the cock of Harry Potter. Ginny thought it was sweet that Luna would go to the trouble of finding something like that, but she doubted that authenticity of the merchants claims. She shouldn't have, as Harry really did have a mold of his penis made.

Harry had helped out a friend start a business or lost a bet, depending on who's story you believe.

"That's a great idea. And speaking of Mr. Man, I believe it's time I took care of you."

Luna squealed as she knew she was about to fucked hard by her favorite Weasley.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Hermione found Dennis leaving the kitchens. She wanted to talk to him about everything that had happened between them, both before and after his trip.

"Oh, hey Hermione." Dennis said as he saw the fourth year.

"Dennis. Dare I ask what you were doing in the kitchens?"

"Colin told me about that group you started last year, spew I think it was called?"

"It's S.P.E.W."

"Got it. Anyway, I wanted to contribute to the cause." Hermione paled at what this could have meant.

"What did you do?" She asked, a little hesitant.

"I taught all of the house elves how to play paper rock scissors lizard spock."

"What!?" asked a very confused Hermione.

"It's a game. You've never heard of it?"

"I've heard of rock paper scissors."

"It's like that, but more in depth. You see scissor cuts paper, paper covers rock, rock crushes lizard, lizard poisons Spock, Spock smashes scissors, scissors decapitates lizard, lizard eats paper, paper disproves Spock, Spock vaporizes rock, and rock crushes scissors." Dennis included a hand sign example with each combination. Hermione's eyes glazed over a little bit.

"Why?"

"It's something I read in a history book way in the future. House elves learning that game is what leads to the great House Elf rebellion."

"Really?" Hermione got really excited at this idea. She had a real hard on for the freedoms of all creatures.  
Except Neville on bondage night.

"Yeah. One of the weirdest things. Harry and I have a bet on if it will work earlier in the time line or not." Dennis shrugged, and then held out his arm for Hermione. "Walk you back to the tower?" Hermione wanted to accept. There was something...exciting about Dennis. But she knew she shouldn't.

"Sorry, I have to get to a date with my boyfriend." Dennis raised an eyebrow at the word boyfriend.

"Well, ok then. You have fun with that. I'm going to go plot, I mean study. I shall catch you later Hermione." It wasn't until after Dennis walked off that Hermione realized that she hadn't covered any of her main focus points.

This frustrated the girl, as she put so much preparation into her presentations...er, conversations.

**A/N: I hope everybody enjoyed this little chapter. I have an idea of what I want to do for the first challenge. I'm not going to say what I'm going to do. But I will say this, it is something I have never seen in the thousands of stories I have read. **

**Let's just say, Doom will be amused.**


End file.
